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You look so beautiful today
When you're sitting there it's hard for me to look away
So I try to find the words that I could say
I know distance doesn't matter but you feel so far away
And I can't lie
Every time I leave my heart turns gray
And I want to come back home to see your face
And I
Cause I just can't take it
In the end all I wanted you to do is stay here with me.

This hurts with every HeartBeat

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Lets backtrack.
August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 February 2006 March 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 December 2007 October 2008 November 2008 February 2009 March 2009 January 2011 July 2019
take me away
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Monday, October 31, 2005, 12:04 AM
-change in style?-

*be Careful to know the real me, i might bite*

Piece me up
- ----- -
its my life my story,
my anger my laughter.
i am different,
none r alike.
Don't treat me well,
i might fall,
i will fall...

i am like a jig-saw,
many pieces,
not to be forced.
u can piece me up,
wid patience,
or throw me away,
wid anger.

1 missing piece,
find it and,
piece me up.
-------------------

A little something tt cheer me up..

.
-vintaGe tiMe-




Thursday, October 27, 2005, 11:29 PM
-a singing cross-

*a simple message is not going to make things right*

A something from my sister in Perth,
she told me it was a cross to be hang on the door.
I see so this cross is meant to be hung on the door.
She said it would play the music "shine jesus shine".
Y did i believed her in the 1st place.

Looking at it, owell i 4give her cos its nice.
She told me to stand next to the radio for the music.arrgh

Today, she came online...
she asked me: y dint u wear the cross, take a pic n send it over?
me: I can't find a radio to stand next to for the music...
She replied: wth lolx
me: its hard to find a portable radio...
She said: u can stand next to a tv.
me: I have to wait for the timing 4 the song to be played
hahahx

the necklace cross.....

dun worry i will remember to hang it on the door...




Wednesday, October 26, 2005, 5:35 PM
-tRim-

*i am my old self again, laughter n joy is all tt is in me*

Rain was pouring down on us, location downtown east,
time 2+pm.
my pal kristina was wid me.
set aside us were a 2 wheel n a bell object.
Can't ride it in the rain...
Rode it pass red hse once more when the
clouds grew dark n angy.
Time jus heals me,
gift was frens tt stay beside me.

i look like a boy,
the hairdresser was snipping happily away.
wanted punk style,
he gave me a flat style.
Messing it up as he walked away,
he spotted it.
arrgh got combed back.

travelled down to meet gaibang,
tt place,
a place tt i dint wish to set foot on.
pifft like i even care,
my gang is more important.

Dint join for the movie,
bread shop i was looking.
went back home..

this is me the real me...




Monday, October 24, 2005, 10:22 PM
-i am free-

its all over,
there is nothin i feel inside of me,
its emptyness.
"Sorry" this word tt appear over n over,
it doesn't have a cure to it.
It din't hurt much,
all i hav to say is
thank you 4 setting me free.


Gal wid Frens
Gal wid Ben & jeRRy,
Its worth everything....




Sunday, October 23, 2005, 11:02 PM
-sick-

*no calls, all but silence around..keeping me waiting makes me worry*

Its because of wad I ate?Not sure wad cause me to fall ill. It was yesterday when all sudden i started to feel a sharp pain frm my tummy...Food poisioning it might be.
5+am i woke up finding medication to stop the craze pain. Taken them down I walked towards the sofa for a rest tts when i had the urge to throw up...
Food,water started to pour out...I nearly fainted in the toilet itself. Crawl my way towards the bed to have a nap.
Haven visited the doctor yet gonna make my way there tml. My pale face would be scaring the living.
Walking corpse coming ur way...




Wednesday, October 19, 2005, 8:58 PM
-thE chalet-

*the night of the stars, wid a bottle of wine to drown away the sorrows*

its been 3 days, the days of laughter, fun-filled events...

Day 1
packed my bags and headed to pasir ris control to meet up wid the rest.
Headed down towards the supermarket to gather the items we needed for the bbq.
Bought quite alot ... .. . It was really heavy luckily a cab was there to pick us up.
aloha loyang here we come.
Was looking for the place getting ready to check in. Flame of the forest we empty our stuff at the front door... . .Looking inside spotted a few pair of shoes, wondering at the tot y have the ppl not checked out yet. ding dong...playing wid the door bell...

The rest came back wid the keys, jam the keys into the slot turn and turn it but it jus won't open..took the file tt came along wid the key and have a look at it...Freesia not= Flame of the Forest...Grab the bags and ran away jus as fast...oppx luckily no-one came to open the door...

Garden terrace Freesia...found it!2 rooms, a common bath & toilet...grab the bags and place it into the room. Started to unpack all the stuffs we brought in...zzz.... i went to the room to have a little nap...
woken up to some noise and went out...on the wall was a paper napkin with a inverted "fu" hahahx....Sat at the dining table drinking milo looking at kristin as she drew the cartoon gaibang on the na[p]kin and stick it onto the door. Everyone tt approaches the door know tt gaibang is staying there.
Went out wid yun after tt to meet her sister..boarded the shuttle service..went to ntuc to grab some eggs,instant noodles n aluminium foil...
needed some cash in hand went to drew some when we met kailing and gang...chat wid them alittle while den headed back towards white sands to meet wud yun's sis...After yun pass her the stuff we headed back to freesia.

Went frm the back...Most of the ppl had already arrived..and they were busy starting the fire...
I went into the kitchen to help out wid the seasoning of the stingrays and sotong...they were really tasty..yumz..sarah came after a few moments later really glad to see her...
Followed by darren...you shld have seen the others expression as he pressed the door bell...lol cos i think he is the only one tt press the door-bell...

Day 1 was a day of non-stop food....After a few hrs later the guest all went off..we were tonning for the whole day.we played all sorts of game...murderer we all start staring at each other faces avoiding the winking murderer...there is a sniper in our midst...Lao da's comment on yh was veri funni...eh ni suo yi xia ta de lian, ta de lian hen hao xiao...lolx this was the veri 1st time i see lao da becoming so adorable lame...tts not all of his lame for this 3 days...
After tt murderer game we play 007 bang ahhh...tt game is some-how more towards how fast you would react...but loser out quite diff. to play it cos if there were only 3 ppl in tt game itself no matter wad u mus say ahh...
wo de yi mao qian bu jian liao was another game tt we played...purpose of the game to find where the 10 cent coin is hidden hhahaz kristin had a tough time finding it. It was around 5+ to 6+am we all head to bed.

Day 2
i woke up at 9+ shivering...the air-con was really cold...went to brush my teeth..Grabing a cup of milo i sat at the living room..watching tv...it was 10.30am i went back to the room and sleep.
it was 12+ i woke up and almost all of us were awake...the gals were frying eggs which i think would be the sunny-side up i surppose.i jus did a simple 1/2 cooked egg and swallowed it down.
lao da was guessing which egg belong to him...1 is scrambled n the other is sunny side...he chose the sunny side which was cooked by darren but actully the scrambled one was his...in the end he ate both hahahx.
After around 2+ we headed out towards the beach..the beach was dam dirty...actully wanted to take a swim at the beach but eeee....Went back towards the chalet swimming pool saw ppl in clothes jumping in so we did the same...All of us headed towards the massage pool..sitting there feeling the warm water sprying out was jus a veri nice feel...the guys headed back towards the chalet...den we headed towards the normal pool for a little "swim"
After tt we were playing a irrevelant game which means tt if someone ask u a qn u mus say sumthing else not related to the qn given...for eg. qn given: r u hungry? ur ans: today weather veri nice...!so we were playing and they ask me a qn...i was slow to react..den after tt i notice the guys coming so i think i said: eh ta men lai le...lolx they tot tt it was my ans to the qn. Until they notice them coming den they believed me.
All of us was staring at lao da cos he was veri white...hahahz so we started calling him xiao bai..
xiao bai alwayz cheng wo men bu zhu yi den start swimming...lolx
got another one is mei you yan jing de guai shou...wahahax...After awhile all of us went to the massage pool...massage pool inside dun hav da bian de....it is safe.
Wo shen qi le...place the thumb to block the water...pressure helps the water to be pushed upwards...we were playing wid the water thingy i mention we cos lao da was also playing wid it.
It started to pour veri heavily but the door key wasn't wid us...we were all freezing..searching the keys at the same time...lao you tiao kept the key....grabbing the key frm him the gals dashed back to the chalet 1st...
Open the door, faster they r coming.....
we open the door and slam it shut on the guys...they were freezing outside begging us to open the door...hahahx we left them shut ouside for a few minutes b4 letting them in...the floors were super wet cos we were all dripping water...The rain grew lighter, we were preparing for the bbq...yummy more tasty food..satay man went to start the fire..lao da & lao er went out to grab the alcholic drinks...
yay the fire started and the food was served...i was inside watching some tv programme..yun was called outside by the rest so i followed her out...a cup of water was splashed onto her slipper while she was wearing it...but dunno y i think yun abit no expression one...i went inside after i knew wad they were doing...
After awhile i went outside to grab some food...1 cup eh no 2 cups of water was splashed onto my slipper...i went to grab a cup and filled it to the brim went after jf and kristin they were running around i was walking...they ran abt 1 round and ran back inside locked themselves inside the room...i jus stood by outside after awhile they slide open the room window...i walked towards the window and they closed it wid immediate effect...awhile later they open up the window again..this time they were rather slow to close it..i lifted up the curtain abit and pour the whole cup of water in wetting the room floor,they surrender lolx....
After having our tummys filled and getting clean...it was around 1+ we headed towards red hse...
There were private hses build jus next to the red hse i wonder y ppl chose to buy next to it. Wanted to get in through the private hse next door but all were fenced up...so left wid no choice we had to climb in through the front gate..the gate was rusty and at the top at some part was the barb wire...I had diff. climbing down the gate cos i can't see my footing ,and bare-footed some parts of the gate was sharp and painful...i try to find my footing and lower myself down..and the guys grab me down..the others were like monkeys mus be at the chalet practice to much tiao lou game le...All of us went in together,i grab onto lao da's shirt sleeve hahahx..inside was like wad u would expect when u see a hse which is yet to be finished renovated which means half-done...The hse was in a mess..the walls was labelled wid thngs like room 1, room2...dint really see anything unusual...After awhile of exploring while walking a few of us happen to spot a scene...gina wad were u doing wid the satay man lolx...i am clearing my rumour here..haix too bad it was too dark to capture the scene of holding hands.
We all climb back out and head back towards the chalet...the guys wanted to go back into the pool..so the other gals xcept kristin and me went to the pool...kristin cum me were their bartenders mixing the black-cat and sprit...i kinda drank abt 4-5 cups of it n it started to drizzle abit so we head back to the chalet..i grab some snacks and started chomping on them and i went to have a little nap after feeling abit woosy...
I woke up when they came back frm the pool...dun worry i wasn't sleep walking...went and sat at the living room..We played tai ti...lao da kept saying his ba lu ku hen tong..i also dunno how he hit the ceiling...loser of each round of tai-ti had to drink..gina jus learned the game so she wasn't tt sure of it yet so she drank a few cups...After awhile her face was red and she was drunk...gina u were half-drunk cos u were toking non-stop some got no link one...lolx i drank about 3 cups of it..we finished a bottle of black-cat after the whole game...I was half-drunk..I went to brush my teeth after the game which is abt 6+am...while brushing in the toilet i think i walked out of the toilet abit still brushing my teeth...jf saw me coming futher out of the toilet she push me back in..
I went to sleep after tt n was in my dreamland...

Day 3
After a few moments heard the knocks on the room door...I went to open the door..beep beep!darren blew the whistle into my ear...i am already wide awake...It was around 9+ we had to check out at 10 sharp...we all went to pack our belongings..
3 days jus went over jus likett..i had lots of fun..
We all headed back home..

Closing the book....




Sunday, October 16, 2005, 12:19 AM
-changes?-

*angel downcast on the land of 1 mistake..Fallen it shall be, dark & evil*

work i jus back from, tired but not as bad as last weeks. the customers I met today were horrid.
I wonder did my workplace change into a gay club or sumthing? I ushering a gay to the table and great the way he sound was gay..fingers cross
the worst was "it", irritating as can be demands for the sofa seat which is normally for more den 5 to be seated there...noway i am gonna give them 2 to a table so i was explaining my hell out of my way..so i usher them to a table for 4 w/o the sofa seat...the "it" was saying: since tt table there is also for 4 ppl y can't i sit over there? I replied: sry sir but I am afraid tt customers 6 or more might come in....the horrid "it" said: so you are saying tt the customers are alwayz in the wrong...I was fuming mad u shld have seen my facial expression..Kill me was all i could mouth out. In the end the "it" won he sat at the sofa sit...jus "great".

I wonder whats wrong wid this humans wads in their coconut shells...How demanding can they get? Believe me the whites r not the only ones tt give the fuss..
I am a human too can't they spare a thought or sumthing.
At least today there were ppl by my side to help me...

The chalet is coming...I have been waiting for this moment. Tml will be out shopping and getting stuffs that we need...
I seem to be busy these days, no time to spend wid one...wonder how one feels?
no time to even get a chance to meet wad more for bickering...Dun even have the time to bicker wid one,I wonder how others hav the time to do tt.

*yawN* need to sleep or a becoming of a panda...waiting to be lure to the zoo wid sticks of sugarcane...

closing the chapt... . .. .. .. . .




Thursday, October 13, 2005, 11:57 PM
-where am i?-


*the day the rain pours down sweetness on me, was the day i met you*

jus the sound of the melody of my phone to wake me frm my deep slumber.
One forwarded me an message to greet morning.
After taking a quick browse I head back to the sheets and the warmth of my pillows.
2hrs later alarm went buzzing and it was time to be awoke frm my dreamland.
I was being booked today, one was late to make an advance booking wid me.
No special privilege to be given jus me being myself.

Its been a few days since i met one...misses

guess tt i am behaving more like a boy now, jeans and long shirt out slacker boyish style...
skirts chucked them one side off i go.
1st stop: bugis comics and stuff...shoes my galfren wants and hunts them.
brown wid blue star was her fave but remember smallest 7...no-matter how much
paper needs to be shuffed in, feet would be half of the size of the shoe.
I really like the light brown wid dark brown star...aiming to hav it soon..
2nd stop: orchard road evil plans on the way snip snip wheres the scissors?
wanted to snip off a strangers pony-tail cos we had a urge...
clips,shoe browsing,shorts-bought another,Churros!

3rd stop: Queensway plaza at Boonlay????
its not a mistake...galfren was looking at train line Boonlay when i mention
Queensway..No nono Queensway is at chinatown not Queenstown i laughed when
I told her...Dun worry i am leading my navigations are fine.
Went to look at shoes many shops selling sports stuff there wonder how
each shop manage to gain profit by selling the almost similar items.
Yay!She found it!its was a nike dark reddish brown base wid black tick..

4th stop: tiong bahru
going to watch a freaky show...the wig
ahhhh....squash in between all the couples i think the machine
loves to put us wid them i wonder y? I think the machine is a lover machine.
okay since its a guy girl thingy infront and at the back of us...lets be les in the cinema...
hahahx i was jus kiddin we r both straight.
overall opinion abt tt movie we watch...you will be watching a story of a gay.
n i am serious abt tt!
pics below taken at long john we were an hr 45 mins for the show so
decided to act funky for the camera...

tts all for this chapt closing book....



-------->Funky picx <-------




Tuesday, October 11, 2005, 8:48 PM
-new species of ShrooMs-

Shrooms discovered growing on my frens clogs..
Is it edible?
Mushroom soup 4 supper everyone..
Get ready to dip your soup spoon in,
no refund for any after effects.




Monday, October 10, 2005, 9:10 PM
-In the end-

the depths of deep sorrows,
a road of one follows.
the raging heat of piercing fire,
oppose bitter cold of icy water.

I walk in in the center,
clueless of happenings.
A figure of an image,
cast down upon me.

Feathered black wings,
soft yet evil.
Coldness of eyes,
gaze onto me.

The story of an angel,
on the path of no return.
Fallen was its fate,
In the end... . ..




Sunday, October 09, 2005, 10:49 PM
-Non-stop Hitz-

*the sky was dark, thick immense clouds hovering above. Shield me frm those heavy droplets falling*

360 degrees of fun us had tt yesterday. Its been along while since I headed there. Some rides were of new. 6 of us headed together for a few hrs of non-stop fun.
Inverter was my fave among those few rides. The feel of jus being hang up there is fantastic.
But the thing is hanging up there in the inverter pain was there as the safety precautions pin us down adding pressure to our legs. Spinning round and round us sat the look alike music dance machine over & over...I think the strawberry milk inside my tummy was also rotating round while in tt ride.

The sky soon grew dark and little droplets came coming down on us. Rides stopped their function and all tt was left was the huanted house. Fear was in me when going in 4 the 1st time unknown of wad substance will start to appear right infront of me. Us went in and dint really dare to take the approaching step towards the end. Luckily there was a guy among the gals tt lead the way. While walking i saw a figure moving right behind us...It was a walking "ghost" trying to scare the living hells out of us. Oh well he did manage to scare us though i was wondering where he came out frm...the rest of the way was jus the fakes until we came face to face with a real which unknowingly us thought was a fake also...Went out to the place where the light emits....

Went and took all the other rides...the fear of sitting the pirate ship was gone. I manage to pull through tt one after awhile.
Us left the place at 4.30 and it was time to face work which was kind of a drag to go.

I was stationed at 1 as the host today...work was non-stop hits not even a break time for us. crowds keep coming in and i was at a blur state of mind cos it was jus my 2nd day. Luckily the manager was kind to give me a tip or 2...
The fear of carrying 10 glass cups, filled up, was instilled in me. I have buttter fingers but luckily i dint break a thing or 2.
I can't even stop to reply a message to one while working yesterday.

I guess tt the thought in me one is falling more and much deeper but I? I am in the world of mixed illusions & feelings. I feel for one but is it more den jus a feel or is there something else in me? One am i urs to keep?

to be continued....




Friday, October 07, 2005, 12:15 AM
-be with me 4eva-

*the stars that shine...i wish i wish...no matter wad happens we will be together*


Opening of book....

The paper of outer space words not a single i know of? Is this the end? Next semester all round and round staring at nothin but the same pieces of paper. Blank was most of the answers in the script. Don't really bother abt paper tt much....presents was our main motive.

Us went round to get things today. It was meant to be a surprise plan. After the hr of 5+ us headed towards the roads of shops...Going in & out of malls..looking at all variety of items...
Having in our minds a secret plan tt one was not to noe..
Decided to go for my curfew xcuse to get away for a while to get things done..To not let one be suspicious of us tt were leaving, received a call and faked conversation over a blank call.
One dint suspect on anything but the thought of my parents tt dial the call, all was smooth.

They went onwards towards the beach near the esplanade..I drop off as the same stop as they and pretend to say my goodbyes n wait for my train..But hahax i dint head on home. Jus after 5 mins i went up and get the cake. Waited for jf to join in wid me and went to 24hrs to get a lighter and a pack of tissue.

Walk towards the meeting location, desperate to light up the candles upon the strong blowing wind. In the end the candle we lit was off wid the darkness.
lighted all of them once more sang the gaibang version of birthday song. One was not showing any form of facial expression i thnk was shocked to do so.
Made her birthday wish blew it all out...

Flip back 1 chapt...

I was with one on my way of my 1st day of work. I felt relax when one was wid me by my side.
The fear of stepping into work subsided.
One came all the way just to see me n send me off to work, one travelled miles on tt day itself feeling bad, to make one come all the way. Now we dun really have the time to bump into each other. I treasure all the little time we hav and thus spend....

Work was okay on the 1st day the nice ppl were in the kitchen.
i jus have 1 comment to ppl working there...
Singles beware of kitchen staff..
Off work tml...Sleeping 4 me.

Closing the book.....





Tuesday, October 04, 2005, 7:50 PM
- i miss you-

*show me to the place of love or just be my love*

2 e-mails received the box that bounce up at my desktop. No emotions in me was thinking abt the mails were being forwarded. Open up for a peek and i felt skip-beat. One send me mails, my facial expression was of stunned yet glad. Busy mode was one which thou shut off of all connections being with my chapt. I was not upset of one not being there is just tt i can't help making my mind just block out of my thoughts. Being able to know how one felt wihout my presence showed tt one really care. Now i am beginning to sink even deeper into my emotions how much i want one to be there right beside me.

Grief is the word for my 1st day of work tml. Fear was appearing constant. How i wish tt i would take more cautions step upon my apply. All alone to face off the pure distant strangers, some1 familar being there would be my hope. Kept having thoughts of one being there for me tml, but its just my wishful thoughts of a flicker of light. Dress all in black out tml, to bring off the dull of the day, meeting light to wash away the dark.Could the light be one?

Paper today was a percent of 50/50 i left upon my pace. I was listening to the noise of techno on the 4 wheels of a long trans-island. Vibration i felt mins after, pick up the phone to the voice of lao da...Asked abt how i did for the paper all i could say was okay...He is really a nice lao da tt cared for each member of the gaibang...gaibang is being lead well by a good leader.

Is tml a day of happiness or grief? Find out on the next cha[p] the story of the girl.




Sunday, October 02, 2005, 10:37 PM
-Study?-

*Stand bY the light with me so that I won't be alone*

far away u seem near in my presence. I wish i was wid you in that country. London, a country of wonders and beauty. Just a dumB thinking of hiding in the cargos in the suitcase itself. My wishful thinking.

Out in the mist of the crowd, to a place of books. Humans walking endlessly a non-stop flow of them. In the midst of all that is happening stood us. Looking around for a decent place to be in our books. Round and round we go wad may seem like no chance.
Decision making heads us on the paths once more, having in mind of where Mr Ronald statue always stood by.
Lay down our bags and tried to get our brains active. My mood wasn't there on the books but on the different happenings of us.
Us happenings was filled wid interest & laughter. It was conversation from sun up till sundown.
Not to mention to see no evil.

Polo-tees us grab them today as a plan of wearing them on bbq night. Members of gaibang would appear in them keep a look-out. Hot deviL was on the menu of my dinner. Oily but tasty.
Closing off diary now...